If Blazing Saddles ever got a sequel, Fernandina Beach would serve as the ideal setting and require little if any recasting.
The only major difference between the movie’s absurdly governed frontier town of Rock Ridge and Fernandina is the historical era and geographic location
The 1974 film’s corrupt and conniving Attorney General Hedley Lamarr (Harvey Korman) and inept bungling Governor William J. Le Petomane (Mel Brooks) would feel very much at home in Fernandina. Those roles are currently being played convincingly by City Commissioner and restauranter Tim Poynter as Lamarr and Mayor James Auntun as the clueless governor.
Rehearsals began this past Memorial Day when the city kicked off one of the traditionally busiest tourist weekends of the year by digging up downtown’s Ash Street and closing off South 2nd Street, thereby making it nearly impossible to get to the Hampton Inn, the city’s largest downtown hotel and several popular restaurants and bars including the trendy Boat House, the classy Indigo and PJD’s wackily fun Beer & Wine Garden.
To add to their unbelievably hilarious antics the city also cut several businesses Internet and TV connections. These city guys are knee slapping, hysterically good at performing their surprising bungling slap stick capers. Folks never know what’s going to happen next.
The city’s decision and the paid parking signs in fluent gibberish hilariously led to confused out-of-towners scratching their heads, rolling down their car windows to ask equally confused local passersby for directions to their now hidden destination hotel, eateries and pubs.
City spokesperson Harry Humdinger succinctly clarified the storm water system piping construction decision convincingly explaining: “Can’t you see it’s a nong bong!? Aw, rrabble-gabba-greebles-shab-mumble…!”
Asked why the city didn’t start the construction in January before the summer tourism season Humdinger repeated his previous comment emphatically stressing: “Aw, rrabble-gabba-greebles-shab…!”
The city’s Downtown Business organization and the Nassau Chamber of Commerce refused to get involved, claiming they were too busy purchasing rubbery cheese cubes, stale crackers and cheap white wine for future membership drives and ribbon cutting ceremonies to pay any attention to such mundane issues.
Local news outlets displayed their usual complacency hoping the city will eventually reward their silence with some of its required paid legal advertising.
However, the online Observer did applaud the city on its “nice deep holes, shiny new construction equipment” and the city’s additional six new shovel leaners watching a guy dig. The Fernandina News Leader ran one blank column and the Yulee News said: “Nobody this side the bridge cares ‘bout them slickers in that prissy uppity island town.”
City officials are planning more celebrations this summer holiday season featuring:
- A June 6 D-Day commemorative at Main Beach including an allied invasion reenactment with live ammunition highlighted by German Stuka dive bombers.
- A June Father’s Day event showcased by publicly announcing and publishing the names of local losers who have fallen behind on their child support payments.
- A July 4 vegan cookout in Central Park featuring boiled turnips, poached eggplant and sea turtle soup.
- A July 4 pet-friendly and environmentally-safe fireworks display performed by memes will follow the picnic ,which will also feature an authentic face tattooing kids area.
- A Labor Day week long work stoppage to display support for those workers oppressed by greedy capitalistic billionaires.
- A Back-To-School boycott and protest march sponsored by the Teachers Union and the Nassau County School Board.
- A No Kings protest sponsored by the left.
- A No Queens protest sponsored by the right.
Humdinger says the city has many more fun activities up it sleeves designed to surprise and entertain residents and visitors.
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Hey! Where Is Everybody? Based on IRS statistics that’s the question that New York City’s Commie Mayor Zohran Mamdani will soon be asking followed by clueless NY Governor Kathy Hochul begging the thundering horde of fleeing residents to come back and pay for the expensive nonsense they’re planning.
Recent numbers released by the IRS reveal the devastating amount of revenue lost from New York to Southern states.
Democrat politicians in New York have not only pushed out the state’s billionaires, but the report shows that middle-income professionals and families are also fleeing the state in search of tax relief.
According to the report on X, $47 billion and 892 companies “walked out” of New York, with Florida, Texas, and North Carolina reaping most of the benefits.
The Democrat’s answer is always to raise taxes on the top taxpayers which then causes those people to leave, and the deficits to get worse, which leads the Democrats to raise taxes further on the few people who actually pay most of the taxes. In NY City 6,500 people pay over 40% of income taxes, and it is those people that Mamdani attacks.
Florida is benefiting the most, reportedly gaining 341 New York companies, Texas took 187, and North Carolina added 129.
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Why They’re Coming Here: Billionaire Citadel founder and CEO Ken Griffin, made it clear why folks are leaving New York saying, “New York doesn’t welcome success,.” he explained.
He said he wants Citadel to be in a “state that welcomes businesses, not one that is moving toward redistributing handouts that leave them dependent on the government for their lives and their livelihoods”.
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Teach Slower Please: In the more than 100 years of public education in the United States , the country has gone from teaching Latin and French in high school to teaching remedial English in colleges and universities.
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Times They Are A-Changing; China’s Xi has realized Trump is far more important to him than Iran where what’s left of its fanatical ideological leadership probably will all be dead soon.
Trump represents a way to resurrect the Chinese economy, by being a steady supplier of oil.
Political observers are saying that Xi has realized that without a reliable supply of oil the Chinese economy will wither and that he met his match realizing during the recent visit that Trump is not like past presidents. Closing the straits of Hormuz hurt every other nation and China in particular. That was huge mistake by Iran, and whoever is running it these days.
Trump has indicated he is not afraid of China, and that he will resort to military action very forcefully if needed. That puts him in a very good negotiating position. And he still has two and one-half more years.
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Wait! What ? I read in an Atlanta publication this week that a woman ran out of a local business there following the purchase of nails worth $300. WOW! She skedaddled on foot luging 100 pounds of nails. That’s one hefty gal. The photo also indicated that she had a very nice manicure.
Likely a coincidence bit the owners of Indiigo, Boathouse and PJD’s were strong anti paid parking folks
Dave, you are more than gracious with your comparison of Fernandina Beach to Rock Ridge. Possibly, a more accurate comparison would be Moscow and Beijing.
As usual – dated cheesy cultural references pandering to the doomed boomers who screwed the world up, a lot of whiny hot air but no solutions and no sources to speak of. You seem to love yelling into an echo chamber. At least you know the exact IQ of your audience – these columns are just tired screeds that read like one long lame dad joke. No reason to actually ask questions or call for solutions. Continue patting yourself on the back, it seems to be your favorite thing to do.
Dave,
I see you left out Scully’s as a bar on 2end st. Most likely due to the owner being Tim Poynter.
I’ll be the first to admit Dave Scott’s columns are humorous and elicit a chuckle. Read them. Then, read a non-fiction book.
It is amazing how the truth really bothers some people. We, who have been hear awhile and have an understanding of the city’s history, have watched the keystone cops (no offense law enforcement) and three stooges action for years.
Doug – you left out Poynter has multiple restaurants on 3rd which benefited from the 2nd street closures – this was clearly a retaliatory act by Poynter and the other corrupt commissioners re: paid parking etc
CH- how about putting some substance behind your sarcasm -btw have you been involved in city politics or peeking in from the outside
Hahahaha as always. good laughs for the soul!!